So this week was a low mileage week due to uncontrollable circumstances...but I still had a real good 5 miler that I pounded out a mgp and a sub mgp by 20 seconds for the mile. I wasn't going to let mother nature slow me down too much! Anyway, it was also a week that had me thinking. Today I was chatting with my coach and helped boost my confidence again (thanks Mickey).
When I first started running I was not this addicted, this competitive, nor did I have the desire to run Boston until after my second marathon. Then I looked into it and saw that I have to run a marathon at a 8:35 pace. I doubted but felt somewhere inside me that I should push with all I've got and go for it. I've had my up days and my down days. I've had days in a row where I couldn't run do to me being sick, kids being sick, or me studying my arse off for classes. Well, this summer I wanted to get a lot of training in and so far I am doing much better but I still get that self doubt sometimes. The self doubt that maybe I can't hit that mgp for the distance. The doubt that maybe I just don't have what it takes. I feel that doubt when I do a run that when my legs are tired they can't get below a 9:30 pace. I know they need to have that stamina come race day and to have the stamina to go even faster. But then there are those days that I hit my mark and hit it good and in the middle of my run I think about my qualifying race the last few miles coming up and over Diamond Head, and then I get tears in my eyes. I remember the feeling of accomplishment just to cross and finish and how wonderful it was. I want to have the feeling of crossing the finish with that 3:45 finish time. It seems impossible to me right now but I want to do it. My coach reminded me today that what you want is not always easy to get and you have to be willing to work hard and sacrifice. I have to use every available minute to my advantage. Which for me means to wake my butt up on time and get out the door to get my miles in. I have also failed on my nutrition a little the past few weeks by eating more bread/pasta than I should be. I know they are empty carbs. So why the heck am I letting myself eat it instead of energy efficient fuel??
I have to overcome my self doubt. I have to turn that energy around and put it into my run. I have to push my body and make it work harder. I was thinking today of my marathon last year and what my body was going through. After taking medicine for two days prior to the race, no matter how much I rehydrated, it wasn't enough. I ran from mile 8 to the finish line severely dehydrated. Wondering at mile 13 if I was even going to be able to finish safely, at mile 16 coming to the turn around point and playing the mental game, at mile 18 getting recharged and getting back to a 9:30 pace, at mile 19 hitting my 9 mile pace, at mile 23, hitting a 8:30 pace. Running simply to get to each aid station to guzzle 16oz of water. I finished with a 25 minute PR. If I can do that with my body then I have to be able to do this right? I cannot let obstacles hold me back. I have to overcome them, at least the ones that just involve me and not my family.
I have a dream of running Boston. I don't do things for myself. I just pray for the chance to run Boston and this next April is going to be my best hope. After that I will be searching for medical schools and once I'm in that program all my energy has to be devoted to learning to take care of others so running will still be a part of me but I won't have the time or availability to run Boston. The opportunity for me to qualify is at my front door. What happens with that opportunity is now up to me.
My heart wants it. I just want that one moment of personal victory.
I live. I dream. I run.